Bessie

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. 

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. 

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..." 

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" 

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....." 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. 

Please tell him to simply answer the question." 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". 

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" 

"Now what the heck would you say?"


Indian Loans

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.  

The banker pulled out the loan application.

"What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the Indian.

"Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral," replied the Indian

"Well that's something of value that would cover the
cost of the loan. 

"Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes.  1949 Chevy pickup," replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian

"How old is it?" the banker asks.

"Don't know, has no teeth," replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
 
He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.  

He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.

"Put in hogan", replied the Indian

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.

"Don't know deposit," replied the Indian

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.  

Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker...

"What you got for collateral?"
From the Desk of the ER

​The PIRATE

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR, AND THE BARTENDER SAID, "HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU IN A WHILE. WHAT HAPPENED?  YOU LOOK TERRIBLE."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" SAID THE PIRATE, "I FEEL FINE."

"WHAT ABOUT THE WOODEN LEG? YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT BEFORE.”

WELL," SAID THE PIRATE, "WE WERE IN A BATTLE, AND I GOT HIT WITH A
CANNON BALL, BUT I'M FINE NOW."

THE BARTENDER REPLIED, "WELL, OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT HOOK? WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?"

THE PIRATE EXPLAINED, "WE WERE IN ANOTHER BATTLE. I BOARDED A SHIP AND
GOT INTO A SWORD FIGHT. MY HAND WAS CUT OFF. I GOT FITTED WITH A HOOK
BUT I'M FINE, REALLY."

"WHAT ABOUT THAT EYE PATCH?"

"OH," SAID THE PIRATE, "ONE DAY WE WERE AT SEA, AND A FLOCK OF BIRDS
FLEW OVER. I LOOKED UP, AND ONE OF THEM SHIT IN MY EYE."

"YOU'RE KIDDING," SAID THE BARTENDER. "CAN YOU LOSE AN EYE JUST FROM
BIRD SHIT?"


"IT WAS MY FIRST DAY WITH THE HOOK."